Cheers and Jeers: Tuesday

I'm Telling You for the Last Time (This Year)

Just a quick above-the-fold reminder that if you get your health insurance through the healthcare.gov portal, time is ticking to the midnight deadline. This will be the last year that Trump's ACA sabotage will strangle the sign-up period to only 45 days with virtually no marketing or outreach. President Biden will no doubt take HHS's foot off the brake, and give people more time and more notice. For starters.

Continued…

I did some shopping around on Saturday and was surprised to discover I could bump up the quality of my plan while paying $20 a month less. Many people can find a plan for a low or even no-cost premium, and that ain't bad.  So if you need coverage, get coverage. If ya got coverage, help yourself…

It’s okay. Obamacare also covers type-2 diabetes.

And now, our feature presentation...

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Cheers and Jeers for Tuesday, December 15, 2020

Note: Whoever keeps using the Capitol dome as an orange juicer, please stop. You're splattering pulp all over our congress members. We're looking at you, Godzilla.  —National Park Service

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By the Numbers:

10 days!!!

Days 'til Christmas: 10

Percent of Americans polled by CNN before the election who said when the states officially certify their vote for president, the loser of the presidential election has an obligation to accept the results and concede: 86%

Percent of Americans who answered "Yes" to Fox News's poll question, "Are you better off today than you were four years ago?": 32%

Percent of Americans in the same poll who say history will judge Trump as one of our greatest and worst presidents, respectively: 22%, 42%

Percent by which the 27 nations of the EU pledged to reduce carbon emissions by 2030: 55%

Percent of the EU's new 1.2-trillion Euro budget that will be devoted to efforts to deal with climate change: 30%

Number of blessings recited during nights 2-through-8 of Hanukkah (night 1 gets three): 2

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Puppy Pic of the Day: Placido Dogmingo-in-training…

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CHEERS to democracy in action. Yesterday the 538 members if the Electoral College Class of '20—including four patriotic titans from Maine—gathered in their respective statehouses to choose the next president of the United States, and we'd just like to say congratulations to President…

WTF????? Do over! Do over! I demand a recount! [Furiously recounts]

Much better. Dang, that was too close for comfort. The votes—306 for Biden and however many else that leaves for the bad guys—will now be sealed in lead-lined boxes and sent to U.S. Senate for the blessing of the Pope and the Easter Bunny on January 6th. Golly, I hope I'm not bored with all the winning by then. Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha!!!!!

P.S. Ha Ha Ha Ha!!!

CHEERS to D-Day 2020. When the history of the coronavirus is written, let December 14th be noted as the day America—and all the restaurants, theaters, gyms, and bowling alleys therein—was saved by a bunch of little pricks. And I admit it, I got a little verklempt watching it happen:

[T]he battle against Covid-19 took what could be a decisive turn Monday as the first federally approved coronavirus vaccine was injected into an American arm.

Good on ya, Nurse Lindsay.

Sandra Lindsay, an ICU nurse who has been on the front lines of the battle against a virus that's killed almost 300,000 people in the United States alone, joined in the applause moments after the first dose was injected into her left arm.

"I feel hopeful today, relieved," Lindsay, who works at at Long Island Jewish Medical Center said…"I feel the healing is coming. I hope this marks the beginning of the end of the very painful time in our history."

One tricky thing about distributing the vaccine: it has to be stored in a receptacle that's super-super-icy cold. Thankfully they came up with a simple solution. To reach -94F, each shipping container will spend 30 seconds getting stared at by Ann Coulter.

CHEERS to Moscow Mitch's worst nightmare. There are two senate seats waiting to be settled on January 5th, and both of them happen to be in Georgia. If Democrats Jon Ossoff and Rev. Raphael Warnock defeat their criminal, cuckoo Republican opponents, control of the upper chamber will swing to…well, okay, let's just admit it: Joe Manchin and Susan Collins. Be that as it may, my main point is that early voting started yesterday, and the GOP has these races in the bag. Or, rather, they would if not for Guess Who:

President Trump’s sustained assault on his own party in Georgia, and his repeated claims of election fraud in the state, have intensified worries among Republicans that he could be hurting their ability to win two crucial Senate runoff races.

MeidasTouch is up with billboards like this in Georgia, where early voting is now underway.

Amazingly, there is even a movement afoot to write in Trump’s name on the ballot. This sounds like some kind of prank perpetrated by the left, but it seems to be genuinely led by Trumpists. If this sounds like a “cutoff your nose to spite your face” maneuver, it just goes to show how resolutely Trump’s supporters favor him over any notion of party (or, for that matter, policy).

So, as crazy as it seems, I get to write this sentence: It's the Democrats and the Cult of Trump united against the Republicans. And I'm not even drunk yet.

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BRIEF SANITY BREAK

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This mom asked her daughter to run into the Auto Parts store and grab some “headlight fluid”... pic.twitter.com/yUXpgGIR8j

— Rex Chapman🏇🏼 (@RexChapman) December 13, 2020

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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK

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CHEERS to acquisition fever. Big news from the world of big business yesterday, as it was announced that DubSmash, a rival of TikTok, which was almost separated from ByteDance, was being bought by reddit, but not before PorpoiseCarpet rival DogJalopy was bought out by BuggyMint to strengthen its position against PrayerMold and DrumHovercraft, which of course have been under stiff competition lately from GlueSocks, a subsidiary of the growing startup TablesawDuck, which of course is owned by LicoriceBrick and… Uh, guys? Just a hunch, but I think we're starting to run out of company names.

CHEERS to happy gays.  Forty-seven years ago this week, in 1973, the American Psychiatric Association declared that homosexuality is not a mental illness.  But to this day they still declare that being a Log Cabin Republican is "puzzling."

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Ten years ago in C&J: December 15, 2010

CHEERS to squeezing the slicksters.  Are ya ready for some LAWSUIT?!!  Hell yeah!  The  Justice Department is going after BP and its buddies for damages from the Deepwater Horizon disaster:

In its first legal action that could lead to billions in penalties, the Justice Department is expected to join the hundreds of civil lawsuits that have been filed over the Gulf of Mexico oil spill, the Wall Street Journal reported Tuesday, citing unnamed sources familiar with the matter.

The Justice Department will allege violations of environmental protection regulations, which could trigger penalties under such laws as the Clean Water Act and the Oil Pollution Act, according to the newspaper.

The presiding three-judge panel is made up of Pelican McSeaturtle, Heron Dolphinski, and Shrimpy Ploverfield.  Count me as cautiously optimistic.

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And just one more…

CHEERS to the brittle parchment of freedom. 229 years ago Sunday, on December 15, 1791, the Bill of Rights was ratified. Let's take a moment for our annual review of The Precious before the Republicans have time to shred it:

I  You can say anything you want except "Fire!" falsely in a crowded theater or "Donald Trump will one day win a legitimate honorary degree, award, or Medal of Freedom" seriously in a crowded room of people with functioning brains; You can peaceably assemble in public spaces to call out the government when it's acting badly, but we reserve the right to pepper-spray libturds in the face, zip-tie your hands behind your back and haul your ass off to jail if we feel like it; The press has the freedom to treat the statements and policies of the left and the right as equally valid because we know you gotta sell papers and achieve your daily clickbait goals.

Bonus 1st Amendment right: The United States is technically neutral on religion, except for prayers in Congress, and invocations at inaugurations, and language in proclamations, and at the end of political speeches, and during the Pledge of Allegiance, and in assorted draft legislation, and on your money, and...oh, never mind.

True fact: some Founding Fathers wanted to protect the right to keep and bear lawn darts in the 2nd Amendment, but they abandoned the idea because they were deemed “much too dangerous.” So they went with guns.

II  This amendment is the reason why this document is shielded by six-inch-thick glass.

III  You don’t have to let soldiers in your house. But police dressed like Seal Team Six can drive up in a surplus tank and bust down your door any old time.

IV  Prohibits unreasonable searches and seizures of your person, house, papers, and effects without a warrant. However, if one or more agents of the government slips on a banana peel and accidentally searches and seizes everything in sight to keep from falling down, well, c'mon, give 'em a break.

V  The amendment the totally-innocent Trump family will start invoking like crazy next year.

VI  You have a right to a trial by a jury of your peers. Also called the Be Afraid, Be Very Afraid amendment.

VII  You have the the right to punch anyone in the face who blurts out a spoiler from an episode of The Mandalorian you haven’t seen yet.

VIII  Whoever authorizes the use of cruel or unusual punishment—like, say, waterboarding—is going straight to H-E-double-toothpicks.

IX  You have a lot more rights than these ten, but Jefferson lost the master list and we're kinda scrambling here at the last minute. So sue us. No, seriously. Use this amendment to sue us.

X  States don’t gotta do nuthin' if they don't wanna, and if you don’t agree then we're gonna secede. Also known as the Sore Loser amendment and the official motto of Texas.

If you want to see the Bill of Rights in person, it's still being used as a doormat in front of the Oval Office for the next 36 days.

Have a tolerable Tuesday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?

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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial

"I say this without sympathy. The opposite, in fact. The guy deserves it all. But, wow, 'being Bill in Portland Maine' must be a pretty hellish thing."

—Atrios

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Source: Daily Kos