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Monday Rudy Giuliani starts dealing with the harsh reality that he’s now covid-positive. Rudy’s covid starts dealing with the harsh reality that it’s trapped in his body for at least another week until a vaccine can put it out of its misery.
Jesus, Mohammed and Moses announce that they've returned from the Great Beyond with a six-point plan that will solve all of the world's problems within a week, and are promptly laughed out of the room for being unrealistic. They spend the rest of their reincarnation working at Starbucks.
Trump loses post-election court cases #47-56.
Continued...
Tuesday The Supreme Court refuses to weigh in on an emergency case brought by Bruce and Clair McCallister listed as You Never Listen vs. Well You Never Pick Up Your Socks.
Trump loses post-election court cases #57-81.
Wednesday Today is International Anti-Corruption Day. Or, if you pay us enough under the table, it's not.
Donald Trump lurches through the streets naked calling everyone he sees an illegal ISIS-supporting terror rapist, stopping briefly to pee on a mosque and hump an open-carrier’s AR15. He immediately wins the 2024 GOP nomination for president.
All week: Joe and Kamala keep doing smart stuff.
Trump loses post-election court cases #82-130.
Thursday Today is International Human Rights Day. As usual, plenty of humans, not enough rights.
Hanukkah starts at sundown. Dreidl injuries begin to spike at sundown plus one minute.
Trump loses post-election court cases #131-320.
Friday Today is International Today Is International Nothing Day.
The latest University of Michigan consumer sentiment index is released. America's sentiment registers a downtick from "impetuous" to "goutish." (It's a weird index.)
Trump loses post-election court cases #321-429 as Alcoholics Anonymous opens another dozen chapters specifically for state and federal judges.
And now, our feature presentation…
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Cheers and Jeers forMonday, December 7, 2020
Note: Just a heads-up. Poinsettias are part of the deep state. Watch what you say around them, especially the one in the corner with the note pad. —Mgt.
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By the Numbers:
14 days!!!
Days 'til winter: 14
Current Biden-Trump election results: 51.3%-46.9%
Jobs created in November, well below the 440k predicted: 245,000
Drop in Thanksgiving holiday travel versus 2019, despite covid warnings: -5%
Amount the Trump inaugural committee was charged to have a ballroom event at the Trump D.C. hotel four years ago, a transaction now under investigation by the D.C. attorney general: $175,000
Amount that a non-committee-affiliated non-profit organization was charged to rent the same ballroom during the same week: $5,000
Drop in marriage license applications in the New York area this year versus 2019, according to NBC News: -60%
CHEERS to the end of the beginning of the middle of the end of the beginning of the end of the middle of the other middle of the end. (Somebody please double-check that to make sure I didn’t miss a middle or an end in there somewhere.) It's over. The Golden state has sung:
California certified its election on Friday and appointed 55 electors pledged to vote for Democrat Joe Biden, officially providing him the Electoral College majority needed to win the White House.
Done deal!!!
Secretary of State Alex Padilla’s formal approval of Biden’s win in the state brought his tally of pledged electors so far to 279, according to a tally by the Associated Press. That’s just over the 270 threshold for victory.
These steps in the election are often ignored formalities. But the hidden mechanics of electing a U.S. president have drawn new scrutiny this year as President Donald Trump continues to deny Biden’s victory and pursues increasingly specious legal strategies aimed at overturning the results before they are finalized.
So, with the conclusion—Joe Biden will be our next president—inescapable, now all Rudy Giuliani and the Trumpsters are doing is shamelessly scamming their gullible followers into forking over their hard-earned money for their slush fund. As opposed to what they were doing before, which was shamelessly scamming their gullible followers into forking over their hard-earned money for their slush fund, but earlier.
JEERS to keeping track of America’s fugliest numbers. The mighty Covid-19 Wurlitzer plays on with 67 million cases worldwide—the usual 20 percent of them in the U.S. Our weekly tradition of maintaining a benchmark of the awfulness for the C&J historical record continues, so let’s check the most depressing tote board in the world as our death toll now surpasses the population of America’s 69th-largest city Anchorage, Alaska:
6 months ago: 2 million confirmed cases. 112,000 deaths.
3 months ago: 6.5 million confirmed cases. 193,000 deaths
As Joe Biden’s chief medical adviser Dr. Fauci will never have to do this while #46 is speaking.
1 month ago: 10.3 million confirmed cases. 245,000 deaths
This morning: 15 million confirmed cases. 288,000 deaths
As hospitals get slammed, morgues fill up, and pro-life Republicans continue, ironically, to put money over life, there is a hopeful note: NBC News reports that "the first coronavirus vaccines could reach the American public as early as next week, and all adults should be able to get vaccinated in 2021.” And then, after America’s adults have gotten their vaccinations, the Republicans can get theirs.
CHEERS to America the Resilient. Today marks the 79th anniversary of the “day that will live in infamy”—the surprise Japanese air attack on the U.S. base at Pearl Harbor that killed 2,403. As a nation, we snapped out of it in the blink of an eye and it was all downhill for Yamamoto and Tojo after that. Needless to say, the number of veterans who were there on Dec. 7, 1941 is fast dwindling. Among those still with us: Navy sailor Mickey Ganitch:
Ganitch’s USS Pennsylvania football team was scheduled to face off against the USS Arizona team. As usual, they donned their uniforms aboard their ships because there was nowhere to change near the field. The pigskin showdown never happened.
The U.S.S. Pennsylvania after the attack.
The aerial assault began at 7:55 a.m., and Ganitch scrambled from the ship’s living compartment to his battle station about 70 feet above the main deck. His job was to serve as a lookout and report “anything that was suspicious.”
He saw a plane coming over the top of a nearby building. Sailors trained the ship’s guns on the aircraft and shot it down. “I was up there where I could see it,” Ganitch said.
The Pennsylvania was in dry dock at the time, which protected it from the torpedoes that pummeled so many other vessels that day. It was one of the first to return fire on the attacking planes. Even so, the Pennsylvania lost 31 men. Ganitch said a 500-pound bomb missed him by just 45 feet.
Mickie Ganitch and his fellow survivors would appreciate it if we young'uns would kindly never forget that day or those who were there. Happy to oblige.
CHEERS to welcoming our new galactic overlords. Thankfully, Japan turned to more noble pursuits after World War II, bringing us the latest and greatest in consumer electronics, Godzilla movies, and even ramping up their own space agency. Their latest success happened over the weekend when their asteroid home delivery service dropped off a package they’ve waited six years for:
A Japanese capsule returned to Earth on Saturday carrying a special delivery: the first-ever rock samples from beneath the surface of an asteroid. When it plummeted to Earth, the capsule provided a stunning show above the Australian outback, streaking across the sky as a dazzling fireball.
In addition to asteroid fragments, the capsule contained an Amway skin care sampler.
Project manager Yuichi Tsuda called the mission a "rare event in human history." It marks just the second time pristine, untouched material directly from an asteroid has been brought back to Earth.
The Japanese space agency techies will now go through the asteroid samples. The kangaroos in the Australian outback will now go through therapy.
CHEERS to great inventions. The microwave oven, invented by Dr. Percy LeBaron Spencer (from the great state of Maine), was patented on this date in 1945. We were going to use this as an opportunity to give a lecture on proper microwave usage and safety, but here in C&J “Danger” is our middle name and it’s too much hassle and paperwork to change it so…
And in case you’re wondering: our last name is Dial911.
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Ten years ago in C&J:December 7, 2010
JEERS to collective amnesia. Gallup decided to ask Americans to retroactively rate George W. Bush's performance as president. He's at 47 percent, which is admittedly pretty high, but we Americans are nothing if not a forgetful bunch. And now, for your amusement, I shall drop the other shoe...
Bush’s 51 percent disapproval rating means he’s only one of two U.S. presidents in the past 50 years whose disapproval exceeds approval. The other is Richard Nixon, who resigned in disgrace 36 years ago and whose approval rating stands at 29 percent.
They deserve each other.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to home sweet safe home. New rankings released by WalletHub ("For all your hub needs as they relate to wallets and such") say that Maine's two largest cities are among the safest in the country. Out of 281 cities studied for "home & community Safety, natural-disaster risk, and financial safety,” Portland ranks 11th, and Lewiston—which has a large and thriving immigrant population, so it should be a madhouse of crime, right?—ranks 5th. The top ten safest cities:
Columbia, MD
Needless to say, if this guy lives in your town, it’s not on the WalletHub list.
South Burlington, VT
Plano, TX
Nashua, NH
Lewiston, ME
Burlington, VT
Salem, OR
Virginia Beach, VA
Raleigh, NC
Gilbert, AZ
As usual, the most dangerous place remains the space between a Trump and a dollar bill.
Have a tolerable Monday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial
Rep. Katie Porter: Is Cheers and Jeers the greatest thing ever—yes or no?
Steve Mnuchin: Of course it is. How ridiculous to ask me that question and waste our time.
Rep. Porter: I think it's ridiculous that you're play-acting to be a kiddie pool splasher.
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