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As usual, the full list would break the front page, so we’ve piled the rest of it down at the end of today’s C&J. Also as usual, waders and peppermint-scented hankies are recommended.
And now, our feature presentation...
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Cheers and Jeers forMonday, November 2, 2020
Note: An urgent reminder to grease and re-string your catapults and soak your leftover 2019 holiday fruitcakes in kerosene today, as the opening assault in the war on Christmas starts PROMPTLY after tomorrow's elections. Per our Manual of Order & Discipline, stragglers will be punished by spending the day in solitary with Paul Manafort and a bitter old Furby.
Final pre-election favorability ratings for Biden and Trump, respectively, among likely voters polled by Gallup: 52%, 43%
Gallup's final favorability ratings in 2016 for Clinton and Trump: 43%, 39%
Minimum percent by which youth voting is up in Texas: 600%
Percent chance that Vladimir Putin has ordered a mask mandate in Mother Russia due to another spike in covid cases: 100%
Percent of the 17 counties analyzed by CNN where Trump recently hosted a campaign rally that suffered an increase in the rate of covid infections within weeks after his visit: 82%
Years the International Space Station has been continuously staffed with astronauts (3 right now) as of today: 19
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Puppy Pic of the Day:
Vote for the candidate who loves dogs this time.
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CHEERS to November! Thirty days of madcap madness: Veterans' Day, Guy Fawkes Day, Dag van de Dynastie, Dia de la Revolucion Mexicana, St. Andrew's Day, Buss und Bettag (50% off strudel 'til 4pm), socially-distanced Thanksgiving (the 26th), and the full “Beaver Moon” is the 30th, but not before a cataclysmic event destroys the earth and all living creatures on it...by which I of course mean either today’s asteroid or tomorrow’s election results.
And here we are.
But if we do survive, open enrollment for Obamacare will continue for the 2021 year until December 15th. As for movies, your guess is as good as Movie Insider's. Howard Dean and Guru Nanak celebrate another birthday, and Scorpio turns the reins over to Sagittarius on the 23rd. Busy month! Pass the Red Bull—and then someone tell me where the hell summer went.
JEERS to keeping track of America’s fugliest numbers. The mighty Covid-19 Wurlitzer plays on with 47 million cases worldwide, the usual 20 percent of them in the U.S. Our weekly tradition of maintaining a benchmark of the awfulness for the C&J historical record continues. Let’scheck the most depressing tote board in the world as our death toll now surpasses the population of America’s 96th-largest city Hialeah, Florida:
6 months ago: 1.2 million confirmed cases. 69,000 deaths.
3 months ago: 4.8 million confirmed cases. 158,000 deaths
A graphic that isn’t aging very well.
1 month ago: 7.7 million confirmed cases. 215,000 deaths
This morning: 9.4 million confirmed cases. 236,000 deaths
And this just in: the United States passed 90,000 cases in a single day last week and apparently we ain't seen nothin' yet, thanks to the leadership of our 45th president. So, now more than ever, remember the four steps for effective covid management: 1) wear a mask in public spaces, 2) socially distance yourself, 3) wash your hands, and 4) vote that motherf*cker out in a landslide that'll leave permanent scorch marks on his ass.
CHEERS to previews of down-ballot attractions. Along with flipping the executive branch and the Senate half of the legislative branch at the federal level, tomorrow is a huge day for state legislatures. Redistricting—the drawing of state electoral maps—happens next year, and if Team D wins majorities in crucial statehouses, it'll mean democracy can finally, bigly, flourish where Team R has stood on the necks of the peasantry for at least the last decade. NBC News has a nice overview here. A snip:
Democrats are aiming to flip both chambers of North Carolina’s Legislature so they can reverse many of the Republicans' legislative accomplishments. They maintain that changes were only possible because of the manipulation of electoral boundaries for political advantage, a practice known as gerrymandering, which allowed Republicans to develop a supermajority in the state Legislature. […]
Maine’s House, Senate, and Governor’s office are all blue, and I can confirm: it’s pretty sweet.
But Democrats are not only setting their sights on North Carolina, but also have targeted a total of about 50 seats in Arizona, Iowa, Michigan, Minnesota, North Carolina, Pennsylvania and Texas that they believe will allow them to flip one or both of those states’ legislative chambers blue. They also are working to gain seats in Georgia, Florida and Kansas to begin to make inroads in state legislatures that have become Republican strongholds.[…]
“If you want to rebuild the Democratic Party and if you want to rebuild democracy in the United States, you have to win back state legislatures,” Jessica Post, the president of the Democratic Legislative Campaign Committee, said. “Through them, you can fix our challenge with voting rights, you can fix these gerrymandered districts, you can implement the Affordable Care Act and expand Medicaid, and now with this conservative Supreme Court, you need to back up fundamental rights within state law.”
CHEERS and JEERS to Ol' Mullethead. Happy 225th birthday to James K. Polk, the only Speaker of the House to become president and one of 12 to own slaves. Despite protests from some members of Congress, he "exaggerated" his way into a war with Mexico (something about the "smoking gun that could come in the form of an exploding burrito") and stole Texas as part of Operation Jade Helm 14½. But he definitely walked the walk while he was in office. In the book Rating the Presidents, over 700 historians and political scientists rank Polk 11th-best:
Polk's outstanding success was no accident. He assiduously planned his moves and carried them through to fruition.
We’ll pardon Mexico if they don’t sing “Happy Birthday.”
Former president Harry Truman summed it up in his own concise way in 1960. When asked what he thought about Polk, he replied, "A great president. He said exactly what he was going to do and he did it." Quite an achievement for a president of any era.
Yeah, but a few months after he left office he was dead at 53. Consider that a heads-up, workaholics.
P.S. Today is also the 155th birthday of womanizing gambling addict Warren Harding—one of the worst presidents in history along with Buchanan, Pierce, Andrew Johnson, George W. Bush (Term 1), George W. Bush (Term 2), and Trump. One thing he shares with fellow Republican Dubya is his abuse of the English language, as when he said: "I would like the government to do all it can to mitigate, then, in understanding, in mutuality of interest, in concern for the common good, our tasks will be solved." And then he'll put food on your family and wings will take dream.
CHEERS to the final word from the boss. And by the boss I mean The Boss, who not only lent one of his biggest hits to the Biden campaign for this closing ad, but also his voice…
Something you'll never hear during any Democratic campaign: a musician or a band telling the candidate to stop using their music because it's tarnishing their image.
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Ten years ago in C&J:November 2, 2010
CHEERS to Midtermapalooza!!! This is it, kids. Our catapults and theirs have stopped flinging poo, and now it's time to...Chaaaaaaaarge!!! [Sock!] [Biff] [Pow] [Clank!] Forty percent of America will go armor-to-armor today, and the direction of the country for the next two years will be determined by fifty-one percent of us, meaning twenty-one percent of the country will determine the fate of all 100 percent. But only if the anonymous donors to the U.S. Chamber of Commerce and Rove, Inc. approve at the next star chamber meetup. (If you hear a ram's horn blowning at midnight, that's a thumbs-up. If you find yourself being told to blow a ram at gunpoint, that would be an Ixnay.)
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And just one more…
JEERS to more of Mr. Maniac’s manure. As promised, here’s the bottom half of this month’s record-breaking list of people and things that made Trump look like an even bigger jackass in October:
God only knows what next month's list will look like. Hopefully it'll just be one item: “This Voter That Helped Kick Him Out of Office” repeated a couple hundred million times.
Have a tolerable Monday. Tomorrow we send the fascists back to Fascist Land. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial
This year, the Editorial Board unanimously supports the Cheers and Jeers kiddie pool, which offers a shaken nation a harbor of calm and competence.
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