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We have one job over the next two weeks: bury the Republican party and spit on its grave.
I call dibs on the spitting part.
Cheers and Jeers forTuesday, October 20, 2020
Note: The Department of Corrections called about you yesterday. Apparently you've been dangling modifiers again. Probably a good idea to lay low in the safe house for a while.
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By the Numbers:
Voting ends in 2 weeks!!!
Weeks 'til voting ends in the 2020 election: 2
Percent chance that Trump will fulfill his promise of having a covid vaccine ready by election day: 0%
Percent of Americans polled by AP-NORC who say that Biden's election and Trump's reelection, respectively, would lead to more unity in the country: 44%, 18%
Number of confederate statues or other symbols that were removed in the five years before George Floyd's murder by police, according to the Southern Poverty Law Center: 142
Minimum number of confederate statues or other symbols removed in the five months since Floyd's murder: 100
Drop in first-year enrollment at four-year colleges and community colleges, respectively: 16%, 23%
Number of states in which the coronavirus numbers are moving in the right direction: 2(MO and VT)
CHEERS to rubbing your hands together and—bwoo ha ha—hatching a scheme. That's what CNN says Democrats are doing to counter any premature Republican claims of victory on election night. It's still a work in progress, as all Democratic anythings are, but at least they're not sitting on their hands:
The Biden campaign and congressional Democrats are strategizing together to wage a post-election response to Trump on two fronts—anticipating both a legal challenge and a messaging war—as Trump's attacks on the election have only intensified while he's lagging in the polls two weeks ahead of Election Day, with voting already underway. Outside groups are also mobilizing to try to blunt any efforts to dispute the vote count after November 3. […]
Among the Democratic ideas for preventing Republican “poll watchers” from harassing voters at polling places: these.
A Biden campaign official told CNN the campaign is coordinating with Democrats on Capitol Hill and voting rights groups with messaging around Trump's attacks on the integrity of the election. The campaign has also spoken with social media companies about combating misinformation and about the reporting of election results, the official said.
"Donald Trump can bluster and lie all he wants, but we're confident that this election will be decided fairly, and we've built the largest voter protection program in history to prepare for any contingency and fight back against any attempt by Trump to interfere with the democratic process," said Biden campaign spokesman Mike Gwin.
If you need any help, guys, I have a plan: kick 'em in the shins.
JEERS to the most boring edition of Point/Counterpoint ever. I'll wake you up when it's over:
President Trump: If he’s elected, Joe Biden will listen to the scientists!
This has been the most boring edition of Point/Counterpoint ever. Wake up.
CHEERS to 86 decent years—and 4 that really sucked. Herbert Hoover got some company recently in the form of a certain "W" Bush and Donald Trump, who now join him on the short list of worst presidents ever. But Hoover was quite the humanitarian before his disastrous (and, boy howdy, do we mean disastrous) one term as president...and he was quite the competent humanitarian for 30 years after. But his time ran out when he kicked the bucket on this date in 1964 at the age of 90. Oh, and speaking of speaking of #31 and #43 and #45 in the same breath, there actually were people who roamed the planet named Donald W. Hoover. Poor souls.
JEERS to putting your refrigerator-size thumb on the scale. According to Neil deGrasse Tyson, an asteroid could hit the earth the day before voting ends in the 2020 election. It looks something like this:
When you wake up on November 3rd, expect to see carnage, chaos, non-stop media hysteria, and people running around with their hair on fire. And if the asteroid hits, it might be even worse.
P.S. Since earth is still intact today (unless Trump ordered nuke strikes overnight), be sure to catch today’s excitement on the asteroid Bennu, where at 5pm ET the Osiris-REx probe will get decimated by the New England Patriots in a blowout broadcast live on NASA TV. The Super Bowl remains in reach.
CHEERS to the Birthday Bab. Today is Birth of the Bab day, honoring the founder of the Babi religion, forerunner to Baha'u'llah and the Baha'i faith. According to tradition, no work is to be done on this day. Great...now they tell me, after I've spent the last hour tying my work yakskins on.
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Ten years ago in C&J:October 20, 2010
CHEERS to "Specialist Choi." Yesterday U.S. District Judge Virginia Phillips rejected a stay requested by the Pentagon, thus giving the green light for openly-gay Americans to enlist in the military for the first time without having to conceal their sexual orientation. One of the first in line was Lt. Dan Choi, who got kicked out of the Army in June under 'Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell.' When he was finished at the Times Square recruiting office, he told reporters that the Army's brush with gayness didn’t destroy the institution: "They didn’t disintegrate in there. Unit cohesion is doing just fine." What a—[Yawn]—surprise.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to foresight. Can you imagine being able to go back 35 years and gobble up the very first internet domain names like a kid in a candy store, and then turn around and sell ‘em for a gazillion bucks to their “rightful” companies? Remember those days? These were the first URLs back then:
Rank Create date Domain name
1. 15-Mar-1985 SYMBOLICS.COM
But I did get $25 for https://ift.tt/3jaKzl3
2. 24-Apr-1985 BBN.COM
3. 24-May-1985 THINK.COM
4. 11-Jul-1985 MCC.COM
5. 30-Sep-1985 DEC.COM
6. 07-Nov-1985 NORTHROP.COM
7. 09-Jan-1986 XEROX.COM
8. 17-Jan-1986 SRI.COM
9. 03-Mar-1986 HP.COM
10. 05-Mar-1986 BELLCORE.COM
But no. We waited too long and had to resort to Plan B for getting ahead in life: robbing banks. In hindsight, a poor career move. Sincerely, Inmate #321775439974.
Have a tolerable Tuesday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial
Bill Maher says Democrats should make Bill in Portland Maine's Cheers and Jeers an issue because "being nuts is relevant"
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