Cheers and Jeers: Thursday

And Now, A Special Comment

The deed is done. The republic is saved:

It only took 17 days for my absentee ballot to arrive. Thank you ever so kindly, Postmaster DeJoy, for running such an efficient operation. You give the Republican party a name. I can’t say what that name is because this is a family blog.

Cheers and Jeers for Thursday, October 15, 2020

Note: Today is the start of Rub Your Shoes On The Carpet And Then Touch Your Cat's Nose With Your Finger season.  Or as emergency rooms call it: finger reattachment season.

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By the Numbers:

98 days!!!

Days 'til inauguration day: 98

Factor by which nonwhite voters are more likely than white voters to wait in line for more than an hour to vote: 7x

Percent of voters polled by PPP who agree that big tech companies should be reined in, with 53% strongly agreeing: 84%

Percent of voters say they would be more likely to vote for a Senator who voted to rein in the power of big tech companies: 61%

Monthly increase in Social Security benefits next year: $20

Percent chance that "people don't die" from covid-19 complications anymore, according to—[checks notes]—Rudy Giuliani: 100%

Percent of the earth's plant life that's in the ocean: 85%

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Your Thursday Molly Ivins Moment:

Unable to restrain himself, [Speaker Newt] Gingrich also took several cheap shots at Clinton for having gone off to play golf after announcing that he wouldn't sign a continuing budget resolution draped with extraneous matter, including a Medicare premium increase.

The idea of Clinton golfing (!) at such a time almost rendered the speaker apoplectic; the implication was that this president (a word that Gingrich manages to invest with contempt) is a lazy do-nothing.

Now, there are many things for which Clinton can be criticized, but not working hard enough is not one of them. His famous 15-hour days are a matter of both record and legend.

—November 1995

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Puppy Pic of the Day: The extinction, explained…

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CHEERS and JEERS to doing the exact same thing…only different. Remember when Trump got his clock cleaned at the first debate with Joe Biden, prompting him to cancel debate #2 because the "virtual town hall" format of broadcasting from two different cities would be rigged, so then Biden scheduled his own solo televised town hall event for tonight? Well, in traditional chickenshit style, Trump realized Biden was going to enjoy a full evening of free publicity, so he went whining to his old The Apprentice network to bail him out. And like lightning from the blue…

President Donald Trump will take part in an NBC News town hall event in Miami [tonight], the network announced, after Trump produced a Covid-19 test showing he is not contagious.

Tonight at 8 on ABC.

The town hall, moderated by "TODAY" anchor Savannah Guthrie, will take place on the same evening—and at the same time—that Joe Biden is doing his own town hall event in Philadelphia on ABC News at 8 p.m. ET. Trump and Biden were supposed to hold their second debate on Thursday night, but Trump pulled out after organizers announced it was going to be conducted virtually.

Fearless predictions: Biden will be cool, calm, smart, and empathetic. Trump will be manic, dishonest, sweaty, and self-absorbed. Joe will beat Trump in the ratings, remaining the overwhelming favorite to win the election. And in the distance, God will move the survival of humanity on Planet Earth from "Lean Armageddon" to "Tossup."

JEERS to Day 3. The confirmation hearings of the Federalist Society's nominee to replace Ruth Bader Ginsburg on the Supreme Court continued yesterday, reaching its high point with this exchange: 

SENATOR SASSE: Judge Coney, what is best in life?

JUDGE CONEY BARRETT: Destroy the Democrats, see them driven before you, and hear the lamentation of the women you have arrested and jailed for having an abortion.

SENATOR SASSE: Yes. That is good. And what are the five freedoms in the First Amendment?

JUDGE CONEY BARRETT: One, every Democrat has the freedom to be stripped of voting rights. Two, every Democrat has the freedom to be tear-gassed and thrown in a gulag for protesting. Three, every Democrat—especially if you're Muslim, atheist, or gay—has the freedom to be condemned to eternal damnation for not accepting Jesus Christ as their Lord and Savior. Four, the press has the freedom to be gagged and thrown in the river for publishing displeasing stories about Republican leaders. And then there's the fifth freedom, but that one’s a secret. 

SENATOR SASSE: Excellent. And who does the Constitution say has already won the 2020 election?

JUDGE CONEY BARRETT: Trump! Trump! Trump!

SENATOR SASSE: Mr. Chairman, I have no further questions, and would like to use the balance of my time throwing cheese doodles at Senator Feinstein.

CHAIRMAN: Proceed.

Well, unless she completely collapses today on her views of stare decisis as it relates to Godzilla v. Mothra, I say she's perfectly qualified to lead us into a new era of dystopian dictatorship. I hope they let me bring my own thumb screws to the dungeon. They're Gucci.

CHEERS to today's edition of No.  Brought to you by the fine folks at Mediaite:

During his rally in Johnstown, Pennsylvania Tuesday night, President Donald Trump made a direct appeal to suburban women, apparently in response to polling showing him losing ground with that key demographic ahead of the election.

“Suburban women, will you please like me?"

 This has been today's edition of No.

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BRIEF SANITY BREAK

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Mark never planned to be a senator, but he knows when it’s time to serve. Serve his family, serve our country, and serve the great state of Arizona. pic.twitter.com/cO2szR2Ll9

— Gabrielle Giffords (@GabbyGiffords) October 13, 2020

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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK

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CHEERS to the new talkie machine on the block. For just $699—plus tax, title, licensing fee, twenty-year wireless contract, first-born child, and $50 extra for rust-proofing and mud flaps—you can now have an iPhone 12 of your very own. The latest model was unveiled Tuesday with less than the usual fanfare, meaning no executives in turtlenecks taking turns walking around on-stage in front of a huge drugged audience muttering, "Hmm, that's weird—it worked fine in rehearsal.”  Here are the exciting new features in the new model:

» 34xT569yu replaces the old 34xT569yt

» 56907bit656789

The iPhone 12

» Ice cream maker

» Pterodactyl repellent

» fRPohtRtEty technology

» 18 cameras with free six-count starter pack of flash bulbs

» Bionic arm that can whip a peach pit with 100% accuracy from 80 yards

» A button that goes “Ping!”

» Manufactured with new and improved Chinese child labor

» Butt-ID unlocking feature

» Tim Cook will come to your house and make you a pot pie

Sadly, no room in it for a phone. Maybe next time. 

JEERS to America's #1 pubic-hair-on-Coke-cans expert.  Twenty-nine years ago today, in 1991, Clarence Thomas was confirmed by the Senate 52 to 48, making him the Supreme Court's first justice with a neatly-cataloged porn collection (#1 on his list: The Adventures of Bad Mama Jama). Today he sits on his fat ass all day, an aging, bitter, bloated pervert who hollers at the world the way Grampa Simpson hollers at clouds. Oh my god—I think that makes him my soulmate.

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Ten years ago in C&J: October 15, 2010

CHEERS to Friday Night Mad Libs!  Even if you're already drunk you can play this fun little brain teaser.  All you have to do is correctly guess the country involved in this eye-popping news story:

[Country]'s government will this week present a bill allowing debtors to walk away from obligations that exceed asset values and to nullify personal bankruptcies after four years.

"All [citizens of Country] can see that our society is currently in turmoil," [Government official] said in an interview.  "We’re therefore required to sit down at the table and offer solutions; I don’t anticipate that the people running financial institutions will disagree."  [Government official], who spoke in an Oct. 11 interview, says he favors a proposal put forward by the Interest Group of the Homes, which represents households demanding debt relief.  The lobby group wants lenders to forgive about 200 billion [currency of Country] in mortgage debt.  The opposition, which met with the government yesterday, is likely to back the proposals.

To recap: Bold measure in response to citizen pressure.  Out-of-the-box thinking.  Huge relief for average citizens who are hurting.  Short-term pain for long-term gain.  An opposition party offering constructive advice and support for the good of the country and its people.  If you said The United States of America, you WIN...nothing.  Because the correct answer is: Iceland!!!  I think you'll like our next game better: Pin the Bank of America CEO's Face on the Horse's Ass.

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And just one more…

CHEERS to good advice.  Possibly the cutest story in American politics. A hundred and fifty-nine years ago today, in 1860, an eleven year-old girl named Grace Bedell put quill to parchment and suggested to candidate Abraham Lincoln that he might win the election more easily if he dropped the innocent boy-next-door look and whiskered up:

I have yet got four brothers and part of them will vote for you any way and if you let your whiskers grow I will try and get the rest of them to vote for you you would look a great deal better for your face is so thin.

A month after getting Grace Bedell's letter, Abe Lincoln turned Badass with a beard and a Harley.

All the ladies like whiskers and they would tease their husbands to vote for you and then you would be President. My father is going to vote for you and if I was a man I would vote for you to but I will try to get every one to vote for you that I can.

As they say, the rest is history.  By the way, during his presidency—you can look it up—Lincoln went through exactly four score and seven beard combs. Eerie.

Have a nice Thursday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?

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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial

“It was not a great Cheers and Jeers by Bill in Portland Maine; in fact, I thought it was a pretty crappy C&J.”

—Stephen Moore

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Source: Daily Kos