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"The senate confirmed President Trump's nominee Amy Coney-Barrett to the Supreme Court. And just think: some day you'll tell your children about this, whether you wanted children or not." —Seth Meyers
"After his [Omaha] speech, Trump quickly left Nebraska on Air Force One, but hundreds of his supporters were left stranded in the frigid cold for hours because their buses didn’t show up. Some people were actually treated for hypothermia. That's how bad it's getting for Trump—even his supporters are turning blue." —Jimmy Fallon
Continued...
"I swear, every day there's another way you can die from going to a Trump rally. First you can get corona. Now you can get hypothermia. By the end of the weekend Trump is just gonna be tossing snakes into the crowd. Free cobras, everybody! Free cobras and anacondas! You won’t get that from Sleepy Joe!" —Trevor Noah
"There is a coordinated effort to stop people from voting all over the country. The Washington Post released a series of videos of closed-door conservative machinations in which one speaker told the group, 'This is a spiritual battle we are in. This is good versus evil. We have to do everything we can to win.' And another said, 'Be not afraid of the accusations that you're a voter suppressor, you're a racist and so forth.' Yes, be not afraid. Clearly a biblical quote from the Book of Doucheronomy." —Stephen Colbert
—The Late Show
“Trump has cried foul every time he’s lost anything. The popular vote, the Iowa Caucus, the Emmys, his erection on his wedding night. If Trump loses, he will call it fraud and try to steal the election amid the chaos. We can stop him with a decisive Biden victory." —Samantha Bee
"Rudy Giuliani is denying he did anything wrong after a controversial scene in the new Borat movie in which he's alone in a hotel room with a female reporter, puts his hands down his pants, and appears to start touching himself. Unfortunately we can’t show you the video. Not because it violates standards, but because anyone who watches it dies in seven days." —Colin Jost, SNL
Note: On this National Candy Corn Day, you must resist the efforts by the Democrat Party—aided and abetted by Big Skittle, Big Reese, and Big M&M—to win their War on Halloween by eating fistfuls of candy corn now before you get murdered by Hillary Clinton, assisted by illegals from a caravan, in a covid-infested socialist concentration camp run by Soros, AOC, and Hunter Biden from their command center in a pizza parlor basement. Also buy lots of gold and My Pillow pillows and whatever Pat Boone is selling on my show today. Or, again, and I can’t stress this enough, you’ll be murdered.
—National GOP Candy Corn Council Elder Lou Dobbs
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By the Numbers:
Voting ends in 4 days!!!
Days 'til voting ends: 4!!!
Percent of likely voters polled by CNN who said they would vote for the Democrat and Republican, respectively, in their congressional district: 54%, 42%
Democrat Jon Ossoff's lead over Republican David Perdue in the U.S. Senate race in Georgia, per Monmouth University polling: +3
Biden's lead over Trump in the same poll: +5
Amount that South Korea’s culture ministry estimates BTS's single "Dynamite" will contribute to the nation’s economy: $1.4 billion
Expected spending on Halloween stuff this year despite the pandemic, according to ABC News: $8 billion
Increase in candy sales since the pandemic revved into high gear in mid-March, according to the National Confectioners Association: 4.3%
CHEERS to a fine finale. The tight, disciplined, well-funded Biden-Harris campaign and the hapless, untethered, and broke Trump-Sominex superspreader campaign will be barnstorming hither and yon this weekend in a final push to get voters to do their civic duty. (Which it would seem most of us have done already.) The highlight: tomorrow's reunion of 2008's biggest rock stars…
Former President Barack Obama is set to join Democratic presidential nominee Joe Biden on the campaign trail in their first joint appearance during the final weekend of the election season.
The two will be in the key battleground state of Michigan on Saturday to "discuss bringing Americans together to address the crises facing the country," the Biden campaign announced Wednesday. [...]
Some serious wattage in them choppers.
The former president, who remains a popular figure in the Democratic Party, made his debut last week with a stump speech in Pennsylvania and delivered his most direct attack against Trump to date. He continued his campaigning over the weekend in Miami and on Tuesday in Orlando, as he zeroes in on a handful of critical battlegrounds where voting is underway.
During tomorrow's rally, Biden and Obama will harness their love of country to spread hope and democracy. Meanwhile, during today's rally in Michigan, Trump harnessed his love of himself to spread bullshit and covid-19. Golly, wolverines, what a tough decision you have.
CHEERS to Obamacare: Year 8. Despite all the Republican “repeal and replace” nonsense, not to mention Lord Dampnut’s sabotage of a law he took an oath to “faithfully execute,” HHS and my non-profit health insurance provider wasted no time in letting me know this week that the 2021 ACA enrollment period for health insurance begins Sunday. As always you can get info and shop around at healthcare.gov for the most bang for your buck. Here's Kaiser Health Newswith a few notes on the situation this year:
Facing a pandemic, record unemployment and unknown future costs for COVID-19 treatments, health insurers selling Affordable Care Act plans to individuals reacted by lowering rates in some areas and, overall, issuing only modest premium increases for 2021.
PolitiFact still rates this claim: TRUE.
“What’s been fascinating is that carriers in general are not projecting much impact from the pandemic for their 2021 premium rates,” said Sabrina Corlette, a research professor at the Center on Health Insurance Reforms at Georgetown University in Washington, D.C.
Although final rates have yetto be analyzed in all states, those who study the market say the premium increases they have seen to date will be in the low single digits — and decreases are not uncommon. That’s good news for the more than 10million Americans who purchase their own ACA health insurance through federal and state marketplaces.
If you prefer not to sign up for an Obamacare plan (it's no longer mandatory), don’t forget that there are a few inexpensive options available under Trumpcare: do-it-yourself rusty scalpel surgery set (rag soaked in ether sold separately), bag of mystery pills found on pharmacy floor after closing time, and "die like a dog." Payment in advance, please. Sorry, no checks.
CHEERS and JEERS to monumental achievements. On this date in 1941, Mount Rushmore was deemed "complete" after 14 years of blasting and chiseling, but only because they'd run out of money. It's an eyesore and an insult to Native Americans, and it's more a testament to its creator's ego than anything else.
In 82 days they can finally remove their hands from their faces.
Having said that, it's still quite an accomplishment and it sure sums up the #1 thing you need to be President of the United States: a really big head.
JEERS to famous no-shows. Harry Houdini died 94 years ago tomorrow, but not from one of his death-defying magic tricks. It was a ruptured appendix…but spooky nonetheless:
Houdini was 52 years old when he died, the exact number of playing cards in a deck. Further, he was born 26 years before the start of the new century, and died 26 years into the next one—as if his "life's deck" had been deftly cut in half by Fate, the ultimate magician.
After I die: if you smell Twinkies, you’ll know I’m in the vicinity.
CHEERS to home vegetation. If a poltergeist doesn't suck us into the TV first ("Come into the light, Billeh! We haz teh candy corns!"), we might fit some cathode-ray-tubage in this weekend. Tonight after Chris Hayes and Rachel Maddow scare us to death with the day’s news on MSNBC, Bill Maher hosts HBO’s Real Time at 10with guests Al Franken, John Heilemann, Pete Buttigieg’s campaign adviser Lis Smith, and NYT national security reporter David E. Sanger…or at the same time you could catch Exhumed: A History of Zombies on PBS instead. Then at 11, The Graham Norton Show welcomes Oscar winners Bruce Springsteen, Matthew McConaughey and Sam Smith.
Season 2 of Baby Yoda’s Celebrity Roasts is now streaming.
The big home video release this weekend is the Season 2 premiere of Disney+'s The Mandalorian, and you can check out reviews of that and the rest here at Rotten Tomatoes. The NFL schedule is here. Comedian John Mulaney hosts SNL tomorrow night. On 60 Minutes, Scott Pelley talks with voters in Ohio, Arizona explains how it's handling early votes, and how a federal investigation interfered with covid care for patients in a nursing home. Meanwhile on Fox The Simpsons airs its annual Treehouse of Terror episode (number XXXI), and Peter while Lois enter a new dimension on Family Guy. And Sunday night at 11 on HBO, John Oliver airs an expanded pre-election edition of Last Week Tonight.
Now here's your Sunday morning lineup:
Meet the Press: PA Sec. of State Kathy Boockvar; election law expert Nate Persily.
Face the Nation: Rep. Val Demings (D-FL); RNC chair Mitt Romney’s niece; former DHS Secretary Jeh Johnson.
Also: Mr. Hyde joins the networks Sunday morning to share pandemic hair care tips that’ll get you noticed.
This Week: Biden senior campaign adviser Anita Dunn.
CNN's State of theUnion: Wow—two hours of running out of time so we’ll have to leave it there, with Govs. Gretchen Whitmer (D-MI), Tom Wolf (D-PA), Tony Evers (D-WI), and Mike DeWine (R-OH), plus Pete Buttigieg, Biden senior campaign adviser Anita Dunn.
Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: Sen. Amy Klobuchar (D-MN); Trump campaign senior disorganizer Corey Lewandowski.
Happy viewing!
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Ten years ago in C&J:October 30, 2010
CHEERS to today's #1 story in the entire universe (not counting the sudden outbreak of borp pulsators on Frgnorrrk-9). It happened, it happened! The only event that could possibly bring liberals, independents and right-wing buttheads together finally happened! Today!!!! The doors are open and Portland, Maine's got a Trader Joe's! I say Portland's...got...a...Trader Joe's!!! [Dances on tippy toes with rest ofMaine's population] Ahem. I'll try to care about the rest of today's news. If I must.
P.S. Just one question. What's a Trader Joe's?
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And just one more…
CHEERS to getting an extra hour of sleep. Daylight Saving Time ends at 2am Sunday. (Yes, you must stay up 'til 2am to change your clocks or else DST won’t end properly and you'll have to destroy all your clocks and start over, according to the Association of American Clock Sellers.) It's the usual routine: If you're a Democrat, turn your clocks back one hour. If you're a Republican, turn your clocks back, of course, 400 years.
Have a great weekend. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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