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Monday With only 15 days 'til voting ends, election fever joins the coronavirus on the list of pandemics sweeping the nation. One is a horrible hijacking of the human body's basic functions that prevent it from eating, sleeping and breathing. And the other is the coronavirus.
Following the lead of Ben Sasse, all the other Republican senators leak tapes of themselves trashing Trump during calls with constituents because at this point why the hell not.
Continued…
Tuesday In the surest sign yet that his reelection is in trouble, President Trump receives the kiss of political death: an offer to appear on the next season of Dancing with the Stars.
A vaccine for coronavirus developed by Brachs—hydroxycandycornoquine—will stagger the minds of everyone on earth and the rest of our solar system, but not alien civilizations in other galaxies because the people we hired to find them are so inexplicably bad at their jobs.
All week: early voting continues.
Wednesday The Federal Reserve issues its "Beige Book" assessment of economic conditions. The consensus: if every American could just become a seller of airtime for political ads, we'd all be swimming in gravy.
Things Susan Collins will be concerned about today: the virus, her reelection prospects and, for reasons that remain unexplained, the price of coconuts.
Thursday The Senate Judiciary Committee sends the nomination of Amy Coney Barrett to the chamber floor for a vote. Oh the suspense is killing me said nobody.
The third debate between Donald Trump and Joe Biden takes place at Belmont University in Nashville, unless something catastrophic afflicts the president like a virus whose #1 symptom is making you realize you're about to get your giant orange-stained head handed to you for the third time.
Friday Fed-Ex delivers a package sent from the Biden campaign's Nashville office to the White House containing a giant orange-stained head.
Today is Evaluate Your Life Day. For best results, grade on a curve.
And now, our feature presentation…
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Cheers and Jeers forMonday, October 19, 2020
Note: Today's note has the day off, and the only thing the temp agency had on such short notice was a diphthong. It wishes to make the following announcement: Cow.
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By the Numbers:
Voting ends in 15 days!!!
Days 'til voting in the 2020 election ends: 15
Percent of British adults polled by YouGov who want Joe Biden to win on November 3rd: 61%
Percent of Brits who want Donald Trump to win on November 3rd: 13%
Percent of Republicans polled by NPR/PBS who believe the Trump presidency has been a success, revealing the depth of their brainwashing: 93%
Percent chance that more viewers watched Joe Biden's town hall last Thursday night on ABC than viewers watched Trump's on NBC, MSNBC, and CNBC combined: 100%
Mainers' polled by Pan Atlantic who approve of the jobs being done by Maine Sens. Angus King (I) and Susan Collins (R), respectively: 60%, 38%
Rise in retail sales last month: 1.9%
MLB Championship Playoffs
Rays beat the Astros 4 games to 3 Dodgers beat the Braves 4 games to 3
CHEERS to another fine October morning in America. Happy Monday, everyone. Hope you had a nice weekend. Here we are two weeks before either the end or the rebirth of our republic, and let's take a quick tour of the political landscape:
Republicans have abandoned Colorado, where early voting is up a "bonkers" 2,400% and Republican Cory Gardner's senate seat is all but assured of flipping from red to blue.
And in the closely-watched Senate race in Maine, Senator Susan Collins has reason to be concerned. Her challenger, Democrat Sara Gideon, raised $40 million during the third quarter alone. That's literally more money than can be spent on all the media up here during an entire election cycle. So if you're wondering next time you're up here why the Maine turnpike has been paved with gold and renamed Sara Gideon Boulevard, you'll know why.
JEERS to keeping track of America’s fugliest numbers. The mighty Covid-19 Wurlitzer plays on as we reach 40 million cases worldwide, with the usual 20 percent of them in the U.S. Our weekly tradition of maintaining a benchmark of the awfulness for the C&J historical record continues. Let’scheck the most depressing toteboard in the world as our death toll now surpasses the population of America’s 99th-largest city Spokane, Washington:
3 months ago: 3.8 million confirmed cases. 143,000deaths
Come for the flying spittle, stay for the ambulance ride to the ICU.
1 month ago: 7 million confirmed cases. 204,000deaths
This morning: 8.3 million confirmed cases. 224,000deaths
This week will also be very bad, judging by our primary metric: Trump is still in charge.
CHEERS to wars worth fighting. 239 years ago this week, in 1781, British General Lord Cornwallis (or, rather, a representative of his—Viceroy Benny Hill, I believe) surrendered to Washington's Continental Army outside of Yorktown, effectively ending our War of Independence. The surrender agreement contained the first recorded use of the phrase "Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!!!" (Full disclosure: Lafayette's idea.)
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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New Zealand: Winston Peters — deputy PM of New Zealand addresses an American COVID-19 denier at a press conference. “Sit down. Sorry sunshine, wrong place.” pic.twitter.com/8MSsFgWVoL
CHEERS to previews of coming attractions? Sticking with new Zealand for a moment, over the weekend the results of the elections there were announced, and you'll never guess! The party that dealt with a gun massacre by banning assault rifles won. In a landslide. And the party that dealt with the coronavirus pandemic by listening to the medical scientists and following their instructions to the letter won. In a landslide. And the party that believes in equal rights, truth, and decency won. In a landslide. And they're all the same party—the liberal Labour Party, led by Wonder Woman Jacinda Ardern:
"Tonight's result has been strong and it is clear that Labour will lead the government for the next three years." Labour leader Jacinda Ardern has delivered her victory speech to a rapturous audience. More updates here: https://t.co/OFJsmy9Jl9pic.twitter.com/qgmdtGOY2R
JEERS to the Big Dump. On October 19, 1987—on Saint Ronald Reagan's watch—stocks plunged 508 points amid panicky selling. They called it "Black Monday." The lowlights as they unfolded:
10:30 AM With 140 million shares traded, the Dow is down 101 points, to 2145.
11:45 AM A brief turnaround gives traders a flicker of hope as the Dow regains 95 points in a half-hour.
1 PM As rumors spread about a NYSE shutdown, the Dow plunges 100 points in the next hour.
Peanuts compared to the record drops on #45’s watch.
2:15 PM With the Dow down 300 points, an investor outside the NYSE screams, "Down with Reagan! Down with MBAs! Down with yuppies!"
4 PM The NYSE closes. Chairman John Phelan says it was the closest thing to a "financial meltdown" that he had ever seen.
The percentage decline (22.6%) was actually worse than the crash of 1929. Thank god we learned our lesson and, through sensible legislation, never had to experience anything like that again. Attaboy, Congress!
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Ten years ago in C&J: October 19, 2010
JEERS to Big Shitpile II: Electric Screwgaloo. C&J salutes the journalists who have stuck their faces in the fire hose that is the latest foreclosure crisis. But since my head tends to pop off my body easily, I've been trying to absorb it in small bits. So here's today's excerpt, courtesy of USA Today, which gives you an idea of just how badly the banksters need to go to prison:
[A] foreclosure supervisor for Litton Loan Servicing in Houston could not define the terms "promissory note," "mortgagee," "lien" or "circuit court," even though those terms were on foreclosure papers she had signed. [...]
A third witness was a Bosnian refugee who came to the U.S. in 1999 and spent nine years working as a housekeeper, teacher's aide, Walmart clerk and in the shipping and receiving office of Washington Mutual in Jacksonville. She was made a "document execution specialist" in 2008 for WaMu, which is now part of JPMorgan Chase. The woman, who speaks halting English, testified that she signs 30 to 40 affidavits a day. ...
"This is what all the problems are about," Ticktin says. "These document signers are at the heart of the problem." They're now popularly known as "robo-signers."
[Pop!!!] Dammit. Excerpted too much again.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to today's required legalese. With that dastardly FEC running around checking everybody’s ps and qs, we best be up front about our dark-money activities for at least one day this election season. So here it is:
DISCLAIMER: The Concerned United National American Center Institute Chamber Enterprise Foundation Gateway Commission Gaggle Office Consortium Coalition Crossroad Fund Organization Citizens for the Protection Defense Sanctity and Advancement of Sensible Freedom Liberty Values Growth Hope Progress Prosperity Opportunity Responsibility Commerce Change Protection Mothers Fathers Children Families Puppies Patriots, Babies, Baby Wipes and Blue Skies But Against Fraud Waste Abuse Deficits Taxation Without Representation Treading On Me and Tyranny is responsible for the content of this blog post. To contact us, talk to the slobbering 150-pound rottweiler guarding our Cayman Islands P.O. box. His name is Fluffy.
For a complete list of our donors, go outside and wish on a star. If the names don’t magically fall out of the sky, well, we tried.
Have a tolerable Monday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial
”Bill in Portland Maine is the most flawed person I have ever met in my life.”
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